is this the end …

Of late, I keep feeling as though I am dying. As a result of this, the question, is this the end of the road for me, keeps popping into my mind and thoughts.

Then wham … synchronicity …

I watched an episode of The Good Doctor and a protagonist who had no ‘living life’ and with poor prognosis of ever improving felt as though he could no longer live like ‘that’. So, to cut a long story short, he damaged his pace maker and basically fought for his right to refuse further treatment and ultimately his right to die.

After digesting this episode, it really hit home and acted as a reminder that I have been thinking in these terms of the differences between being alive and actually living. Leading me to question, is this the end, and I wanted to write about it at some point.

 . . .  i s   t h i s   t h e   e n d  . . .
 . . .  only you can say  . . . 

is this the end … 

So here we are, asking ‘is this the end’. And what I mean by that is, has the end come for me. Am I in my winter. There is only me who can determine that for myself. And only you that can answer that for yourself.

This idea of the end can be relating to loss of actual life, no longer being alive, due to a terminal condition that will ultimately kill you. However, it could also be relating to a loss of quality of life, a lack of real actual living, owing to a condition that does not, or will not, ultimately kill you but instead takes away everything that you value as life and living?

For any ‘well and healthy’, and I use that term loosely to mean those that have quality, value, and enjoyment in out of being alive, readers or those that are mildly unwell, this may seem like a very shockingly negative, looking on the bad side, idea to address and question to even contemplate let alone seriously ask. Yet, for those of us who feel death might be imminent, or worse still have no quality of life, I believe it is a very normal investigative thought course to take and a perfectly natural question to ask. Don’t judge till you get there …

Furthermore, in many countries it is accepted that a long-term, quality of life reducing, illness will make you question where you want to draw the line between living, being alive and dying, being dead. In those certain countries, they will allow personal autonomy to make a personal decision and choice on euthanasia, commonly known as assisted suicide. However, this is not an accepted practice in the UK yet (2022).

definitions …

Let’s first take a look at how these ideas might be defined:

assisted suicide:
suicide effected with the assistance of another person, especially the taking of lethal drugs provided by a doctor for the purpose by a patient suffering from a terminal illness or incurable condition …

Wikipedia : suicide ideation:
suicidal ideation (or suicidal thoughts) means having thoughts, ideas, or ruminations about the possibility of ending one’s life … it is not a diagnosis, but is a symptom of some mental disorders and can also occur in response to adverse events without the presence of a mental disorder …

Given those descriptions we can see that both euthanasia and suicide, in most cases, are personal choice decisions to end what is felt and seen, by the sufferer, to be a life of too much suffering, which may often involve unrelenting pain. In reality, the choice is to end the suffering, not the life. But sadly, while ending the suffering it follows that life will be ended too.

I know that for myself, in terms of suffering and of being alive or choosing death, there are some days that I would prefer not to be here in the suffering. This is not to say I feel suicidal. I don’t. But some days are too hard and in the moment I often question if I want to carry on that way.

alive …

In my opinion, being alive is the total opposite to being dead. However, living, which is synonymous with being alive, has very little to do with actually being alive.

You can be alive but very much not living.

being alive and living …

The point I would like to make here is that being alive and actually living can be worlds apart from one another and most certainly are in the case of moderate to severe ME.

Personally, I see people who are alive and not living all the time. Then there are those who are alive and living their life to the full with serious illness such as terminal cancers and even with milder forms of ME. But sadly, I am not one of those. I am certainly alive but definitely not living at all.

I don’t go anywhere and I don’t do much neither. As a general rule, I get up and out of bed most days. I do this because I actually hate being in bed all day. It makes me feel trapped. But in reality this is just geography because I simply go from the bed to the settee. And if I don’t spend a lot of my time completely horizontal, whether in bed or on the settee, then I get very sick. Therefore, I cannot do regular personal care, I do not wash daily or even get dressed every day.

I do not and cannot ever accept this as living. But, I am clearly not dead. Yet.

dead …

Again, in my opinion, being dead is the total opposite to being alive. However, dying, which is synonymous with being dead, has very little to do with actually being dead.

When you are dead you simply cannot do anything. Yet, you can be dying and still living, even living your life to the full.

being dead and dying …

The point I would like to make here is that being dead and actually dying are worlds apart from one another.

Sadly, as noted above, you can also be alive, not living, not dying, but feel that death is your only way out. This I totally get.

But I don’t want to get it. Really, I don’t.

…

… whatever it is that’s hurting you …
… or bothering you now …
… will not last for long …
… everything has an end …
… this does too …
… anjum choudhary …

in summary & in conclusion …

You must draw your own conclusion on this one.

Simply because there is no right nor any wrong conclusion … it is a very personal conclusion as is when and where you personally draw the line on what is life and what is living. No one can do this for you.

a personal concluding note …

There are days when I wish I wasn’t alive. Not because I am suicidal but because I am not able to actually live. The illness means I am pinned down, all the time, feeling terribly poorly, and any amount of ‘f**k it’s’ won’t make a positive difference, they will, more than likely, make me sicker still.

So if you feel this way, because of ME/CFS, or some other ‘living’ stealing illness, take comfort. You are not alone. I get it. So do plenty others too.

Please feel free to contact me to share your outcomes or with any questions you may have.

 fragmented.ME xXx