catch up february 2022 …
Catch Up February 2022 …
Yet again I cannot meet another month in a cheery fashion. I closed January with the devastating news that a special online friend had died. She had stage 4 cancer and was in a trial to extend her life. But, she didn’t die from the cancer, or anything to do with the trial, she died of septicaemia and … I am beyond devastated.
Also, towards the start of January I heard about the death of a young man I dearly loved. I classed him as a son. I’d cared for him as a child like a mother would, like my own. However, his mother, who knew very well how I felt about him, didn’t bother to let me know about his death. I found out by searching for him online because for some reason he just kept popping up in my thoughts. So, as you do, I searched for him and his brother had posted he’d died. It wasn’t a shock because he’d battled with his demons since being a small child. What was a shock was the callous way I wasn’t told directly. … 🤦🏻♀️ some people 🤦🏻♀️ …
January you are good to go …
* Don’t forget whenever you see MiA … it means I have been unable to journal anything on that day due to serious illness or just because I was unable to do anything, except keep my head above water, on that particular day.
What’s New …
I feel very low about how my health is going. Personal grief on top of ill health is very heavy to deal with. I have no idea how this is going to pan out and express itself in my journal and my life.
A warning … be ready for the emotional flow …
What’s Important …
I struggle to express my feelings very well in my real life and on paper but I’m guessing if I don’t there could be an explosion of emotions.
Diary (February 2022) …
1st …
MiA …
… 💔 …
2nd …
I feel like a broken record these days. I am so sick, and I get fed up of hearing myself say it. I wonder why the human body doesn’t ever get used to it.
Today I had a telephone appointment with ESA, even though I have been put in the support group, which actually means I don’t have to do anything work related. Watch this space for my rant afterwards.
LoL I sat here today waiting for this call and it never came. So I checked my letter … and it’s tomorrow. What am I like!
… 🧘🏻♀️ …
3rd …
MiA …
Today I really do have my ESA appointment. I will talk about it in tomorrow’s updates.
I also started my iQoro device use. It is a device to help with my horrific heartburn, it is meant to strengthen the muscles and can help with sleep apnoea, which I also have. So all in all it could be quite useful if it works. The program is 3 sessions a day with at least 2 hours in between. Not sure if I did it correctly the first time, but will keep practicing until I get it right. I should see results fairly soon but long term it has excellent efficacy and without medications too.
… 🤦🏻♀️ …
4th …
My ESA appointment yesterday went well. I actually should have that type of appointment at the start of my claim last year but it was lockdown so everything is being done upside down. Anyway it was for me to simply agree to let them know if I become well enough to work while I am claiming ESA. Nothing else is required from me.
Today, I feel so heavily exhausted and tired from always doing absolutely nothing. This really is no life.
… 😢 …
5th …
MiA …
… 🤯 …
6th …
MiA …
… 🤯 …
7th …
MiA …
I had a really awful night’s sleep last night. Feel dreadful today.
Sadly, it has been 6 weeks since I washed my hair or had a bath and I feel disgusting. That said, I have had the mini sink washes downstairs and I have also emptied the centre drawers in the dresser downstairs and filled them with, PJ bottoms @ 4, PJ tops @ 6, all my lingerie sets, slipper socks @ 7, socks @ 7, cardigans @ 2, and leggings & tee shirts @ 2 (just in case), to make things easier for me. I was finding waking up dreadful and trying work out if I would manage a bath, or even a small sink wash, and PJ change later on much too difficult to determine when I wake in so much pain. Now I don’t need to think about it. I simply come downstairs and do it if and when I can without having to go back up the stairs.
I feel very sad about this thought. Not being free to go up and down the stairs when I need to is hard to accept.
Ooooooops I bought myself some ankle boots (WTF for when I don’t go anywhere) and I bought some steam pod straighteners. I figured that if I steamed my dirty greasy hair it might be like when you steam clothes and it kills the bacteria and smell. I’ll let you know when they arrive (very expensive they were) …
… 🥾 🥾🥾 …
… oh I so wish I could get dressed and go out and wear these beauties …
… 💕 …
8th …
MiA …
… 😞😞😞 …
9th …
MiA …
… 🥺 …
10th …
I’m feeling a tad better today. When I say this, I don’t mean in normal person terms, I mean in desperately sick person terms. So, I am still very unwell but much better than the previous days. I no longer feel on deaths door.
I know it is time to take my intuition seriously and I’ve known for a very long time two things.
1) I eat way too much in terms of meal size amount and in terms of daily amount and my body is not happy by this and being put under compounding strain each time I do it.
2) I cannot switch completely off. I physically cannot do that much, but when I can then I do. But also with my mind, I am always doing something with it, thinking, planning … blah blah blah the list goes on … I’m a planning girl …
Today, after meditating, I realise that I need to use that thinking planning side of me to schedule in very tiny meals (about six a day), and scheduling in doing ‘nothingness’, starting with very small chucks several times a time, building up to hourly slots of complete ‘nothingness’.
It will be very kind to my body to do this. It will be self love and self compassion to the best that I need.
So here goes … let’s do this …
… 🥘 …
11th …
I am now on day three of really cutting down on my food intake. I have been having six very small eating sessions. Three small meals and three snacks. I am feeling much better for it. My digestion feels happier. My heart rate is much happier. I feel hungry all the time but eventually I will get the right amount to feed me and also not destroy me.
… 🍱 …
12th …
MiA …
13th …
MiA …
14th …
MiA …
15th …
MiA …
I have had a few really bad days. I am not much better today but I am a bit better than I was and so I thought I would add an entry. I’ve not much to say except WTAF …
… 😱 …
16th …
Had another stomach flare because of eating 1/4 of a lasagne. I am so sad about this. It’s just another loss to deal with.
In April my husband will be going back to being office based, and I am, or I should clarify we are, presently setting up our cupboard in the dining room and the downstairs bathroom so I don’t find myself stuck downstairs without things I may need, which are presently kept upstairs.
I have some nice setups and will post some images when I’m finished.
I also have found some beautiful furniture that I fancy to make my setup look pretty. We just can’t afford it right now. But, if I ever get them I’ll also share that set up too.
… 🏡 …
17th …
MiA …
… another cracking headache …
18th …
MiA …
… and again …
19th …
MiA …
20th …
MiA …
21st …
MiA …
22nd …
MiA …
23rd …
MiA …
24th …
MiA …
Yes, you can quite safely assume I’ve been seriously poorly. AGAIN …
Hence, the missing my journal entries. I am still too sick to play catch up but will now enter each day again if I can. That said, this is all I can write today.
I found out today another beautiful soul that I met on Instagram has died this morning. He was a very young man with a young child too. It’s just so sad.
25th …
Feeling very unwell right now. But, I want to keep my blog on the go. I did write a long blog over a few weeks about ‘breathing techniques …’ and it’s probably helped in sending me into this massive crash. But, I really do need to do something with my brain. It’s unbearable being this sick day after day and accepting I have to be put still in a quiet dark corner is more unbearable. So, I keep pushing and pushing.
… 😢 …
26th …
I feel very sick today. It is my usual headache kind of sickness but like I am all over sick. I feel as though I have been beaten up big time. Major all over body pain.
After writing my breathing blog I have decided to take a course in breathing. I couldn’t decide between two so I chose them both.
I will write about them either as I do each section or as I can.
… 🧘🏻♀️ …
27th …
MiA …
28th …
I just realised it’s the last day of the month today.
Another month lost over to this illness.
I am so poorly and so alone.
I would really like to get something off my chest right now. It’s about someone very close to me who claims, and very often pretends, to understand, care, and take an interest in my health and how I feel.
I have POTS and we’ve chatted about it many times, and I believed they understood it and how it impacted me. I have had some very serious episodes where I have been unable to stand because of its impact on me. Yet, when someone else, who we both know, was diagnosed with postural hypotension, this person who claims to care about me and my condition finds out about this other person and does very extensive research as if it’s a new disease they’ve just heard about. Which, from the way they are explaining it to someone else, it is new to them. But, it shouldn’t be, not by any means. I have it. We’ve discussed so many times how it impacts me.
… 🤦🏻♀️ …
This has really hurt. Because, it shows that although they pretend to care and pretend to listen. They don’t. They do not care. They do not listen.
… 🤬 …
fragmented.ME xXx
fragmented_ME
My birth name is Denise, but I’m know as Bella to those who love me. I have a first class honours degree in education & psychology and a strong passion to keep learning and educating others ... I have severe ME/CFS and lots of other chronic illnesses and I started this blog as an expansion to my instagram page, where I advocate for chronic illness. I am married and have two grown up boys, or should I say young men. I have three gorgeous grandchildren, one boy and two girls. And despite being chronically sick and housebound I am mostly happy. 🥰
