a life unlived …

It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to … you would cry too if it [ME/CFS] happened to you …

  . . .   a life unlived   . . .  
  . . .   💙🤍💙   . . .  

it’s my birthday …

Crying tears of loss today.

What really ought to be a day of celebration is today certainly a day of mourning. I’m not sure that I can celebrate being alive any longer.

I am not being negative or pessimistic, I am simply being real, realistic.

YOU SEE …

It’s my birthday today and I am 59 years of age. And I ought to be celebrating another year of living. I’ve actually lived five years longer than my dad did, and so I really ought to celebrate this fact. I know how short life can be. And, some people don’t even get to the age my dad did.

So all life should be celebrated. Shouldn’t it?

Yet, I can’t.

why I cannot celebrate life or getting older …

The main reason is … even though I have been alive for 59 years, I have not really ‘lived’ for 59 years. In reality, for way more than half of my life has been spent in uncontrolled pain and has gone unlived.

Spent in bed with my head over a bucket (or worse still a toilet), or on the settee in a darkened room.

So many cancelled plans.

Missed career. No career. Missed career opportunities.

Missed quality time with those I love.

Missed days out for, and with, my children and now my grandchildren.

Missed walks.

Missed exercise and keeping fit and healthy.

Missed theatre shows & concerts and other live events.

So much missed.

Gorgeous clothes unworn.

Shoes / Boots unworn.

Beautiful bags / jewellery / hats / coats / clothes / shoes / boots unused.

There is so much loss and so much grieving. That celebrating another year just doesn’t seem fitting.

  . . .   living through others   . . .  
  . . .   💙🤍💙   . . .  

try to imagine …

Try to imagine, or recall, all the things you’ve done and lived last year.

Think about the things that you are proud of, enjoyed immensely, or simply cherish for your part and / or enjoyment in them, even the grieving moments and the sad ones count. Being able to actually be there in person to experience these is what I think counts in these scenarios.

Recall everything. The big and the small.

The baths and hair washes. Having a wash every day. Brushing your teeth, twice a day. Taking the bins out. The trips to the beauty salon. Shopping for food. Shopping for, and wearing, new clothes and shoes. Days out with family and friends. Visiting loved ones. Dining out. Dining in. Cooking. Cleaning. Entertainments.

Now rub them out. One by one erase them. Some of them, you may be happy to erase but others you will linger over before rubbing and erasing. Unwilling to erase them.

Now do the same for the previous year, and so on until you have no years of memory left to erase.

what’s left now …

So what is left now?

Not that much.

You may still have other people’s experiences that they shared with you. You may also have your visions of them from the pictures they have shared or by reading about them.

But, because all your own personal experiences are erased, living your life through the lives of other people is all you have left.

living through others …

That is basically how I live my life right now and have done for the last five years or so.

I don’t recall enough experiences of my own. I do not have a good enough memory of a lot of my previously lived experiences, ones that I have engaged in, to be able to relive them and so I go online, on to social media, and I live through the experiences you share.

I see your pictures of your days out. Your family days in. Your new haircut, or hair colour. Your new candle, picture, bedding, ornaments, garden stuff, jewellery, bags, coats, clothes, kids clothes. Your redesigned home, garden, lounge, bathroom, bedroom, kitchen. Your shopping haul. Your holiday snaps. Your walks and climbed mountains. Your parties. Drunken nights out. Dancing. Eating. Just enjoying and living your life. If you share it, I can share it with you too.

Whatever you share, I get my living experience from.

also … please remember and spare a thought …

* many people with very severe ME don’t even have what I have, they can’t look at a screen on any days, they can’t listen to or watch anything on any days. Their lives are like my really bad days but every day. My heart and love goes out to these people, forgotten by friends and family, by mainstream society, by GPs and by most researchers, simply forgotten. But not forgotten by me and the online ME community. We see you. So please remember, I have not forgotten you and I never will.

so, what do I really mean …

What I mean is this …

What you share never goes missed and is always appreciated.

For instance:

Trinny Woodall, on Instagram, often takes you shopping with her, shares her shopping hauls and also takes video of her motorcycle rides, as a passenger, around London. I find so much pleasure watching these, more than she will ever know.

There are plenty others too. I follow lots of travellers on Instagram. The pleasure I get from the things these people share is immense.

Some days it feels like I’ve actually been out and left my poorly prison.

If you are one of these people who share your life and travels online. Please don’t stop. Know that there will be many who are literally living through the things you share.

… Thank You …

my message to me today …

I want to tell you that you’re doing great. Despite, never ending pain and often feeling like it might be your last day living and that the doctors must have missed something very serious, yes despite all of this, you are doing great … your attitude and spirit is wonderful … be proud …

from me to me:
happy birthday to me … have the best day that you can with the circumstances you find yourself with …

my wish:
may an ME test, treatment, or even a cure, come very soon …

have a great day, and remember …

this beautiful poem by Tiffany Moule …

even the bravest souls can feel fear
even the strongest hearts can be broken
and even the most courageous may need a hand to lead them
we are all breakable, in some way
but our wounds should never be covered … ignored …
when you allow yourself to feel
you’re opening a space to heal
… tiffany moule …

a life unlived …

Remember, that a life unlived is still a life of value and worthy too. I also must add here that regardless of how sick you are and how much care you need, you are enough …

… you are enough …
… just the way you are …
… xXx …

a personal concluding note …

Keep on sharing your stuff on social media because you never know who you save on any given day.

Please feel free to contact me to share your outcomes or with any questions you may have.

 fragmented.ME xXx