catch up : 26.07.2021 …

Fortnightly Catch Up 26.07.2021 …

I am getting sicker by the day.

It doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

I am, in fact, getting sicker and sicker.

I absolutely hate having to say the above sentences but it is my reality and the name of the game here on fragmented.ME is to be real. We try to tell it like it is.

physical health = getting worse

mental health = dropping rapidly (I’ve cried almost every single day of my previous fortnight)

So this next fortnight might not be such a happy reading experience.

* Don’t forget whenever you see MiA … it means I have been unable to journal anything on that day due to serious illness or just because I was unable to do anything, except keep my head above water, on that particular day.

What’s New …

Although I stopped caring, well doing extra bits, for my husband well over four weeks ago, my body and health still appears to be on the decline.

I have implemented a few daily self care rituals, well almost daily they are always done on a can I actually do this kind of basis, in order to nurture and encourage my body to recover back to its previous levels at the the very least.

Also since my last appointment with YFC_J, which you can read about on ‘my healing journey : Step : 07.07.2021 …’, I will be logging my checkins at the end of each day when I can.

What’s Important …

It is incredibly important to know that I am becoming emotionally and psychologically very delicate. As I mentioned above I am crying daily and I feel extremely sensitive and ready to give in my fight to get up and pretend I am engaging in my day.

Even now, as I write this, I feel tearful at the idea of having a day. How on earth can I ever claim to have a day. I go from the bed to the settee and I cannot remember the last time I got dressed. I don’t have days I simply exist.

This really is no life and I do wonder for how much longer this will be enough for me …

Diary (12.06.2021-25.07.2021) …

Monday …

The first thing I saw today when I opened my iPad was the following headline (taken from the BBC),

Long Covid: early findings brings hope for diagnostic test …

I wish I could be happy …

I really do …

But I feel beyond devastated …

I first got sick aged 22 and I am now 59 and housebound and very often bedbound. I’ve been told to learn to live with and within my new means, called a liar, dismissed, discharged, abandoned and treated appallingly by the medical profession in those years and still we have no diagnostic test or treatment. Yes, long covid is similar to ME and so maybe, just maybe, their success will benefit us, but nothing can make up for the abandonment and loss I feel right now. Shame on you all for leaving us suffering so much and for so long.

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 5 @ 5 mins
sensate = 1 @ 30 mins + 2 @ 20 mins
acupressure mat = 1 @ 20 mins

Tuesday …

MiA …

Did nothing but lay still, and flat, and breathe …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 5 @ 5 mins
sensate = 1 @ 20 mins + 2 @ 30 mins
acupressure mat = 1 @ 20 mins

Wednesday …

MiA …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = in bed all day so relaxing was the order of the day
sensate = 0
acupressure mat = 0

Thursday …

MiA …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = in bed all day so relaxing was the order of the day
sensate = 0
acupressure mat = 1 @ 10 mins

Friday …

MiA …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = in bed 75% of the day and in the settee the rest of the time 5 @ 5 mins
sensate = 0
acupressure mat = 0

Saturday …

I got up and had a cool bath and hair wash. I am feeling very very misunderstood, unloved, and uncared for right now.

I feel so sad at what I’ve lost and miss out on every single day and that nobody seems to care about this loss. Everyone just carries on with their day, grumbling about stuff that they should feel grateful for.

I have never cried so much in my life. Even when I was in a shitty relationship I didn’t cry as much as I do at this moment in time.

I am very sad …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 0
sensate = 0
acupressure mat = 1 @ 10 mins

Sunday …

MiA …

The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. — F. Scott Fitzgerald

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 10 @ 5 mins
sensate = 0
acupressure mat = 1 @ 10 mins

Monday …

MiA …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 0
sensate = 0
acupressure mat = 0
frozen shoulder stretches = 0

Tuesday …

I am really struggling. I’ve been extra unwell and extra low.

I had to cancel and rearrange my YFC appointment I don’t think I’ve ever felt so bad and for so long too.

Yesterday I had full allowance of cocodamol and full allowance of aspirin. I sweated so much all day and night and so today I made a deal with myself to have a bath.

My Ōura ring thinks I’ve been exercising. So does my body … I cannot tell you how fed up I am of all of this …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 0
sensate = 0
acupressure mat = 0

Wednesday …

I am feeling very worn out and emotionally drained of late. I am unsure of where I am going (obviously nowhere but I feel as though I ought to be planning and moving forward) and how I am going to cope in the days to come.

the struggle is so real …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 5 @ 5 mins
frozen shoulder stretches = 2 @ 10 mins
sensate = 1 @ 30 mins + 2 @ 20 mins
acupressure mat = 1 @ 20 mins

Thursday …

MiA …

I feel overwhelmingly sad …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 0
frozen shoulder stretches = 0
sensate = 0
acupressure mat = 0

Friday …

I had a bath today and that was it really … day over …

my healing journey checkin …

checkin & relax = 5 @ 5 mins
frozen shoulder stretches = 2 @ 10 mins
sensate = 1 @ 10 mins
acupressure mat = 1 @ 10 mins