my healing journey : Step : 12.08.2021 …

My Healing Journey 12.08.2021 …

Active Stabilisation Session (2) …

I pre-booked this session the minute I finished the Active Stabilisation Session (1) …, working it around YFC_J afternoon availability and leaving enough time for my recovery as I have been extra poorly of late because of doing more owing to my husband’s health issue, which feels like such a long time ago considering he is now well and I am still getting sicker simply because I expended myself for a little bit for no more than four weeks in total.

However, I had to cancel due to unrelenting and brutal migraine that I could not get on top of. It felt like it would be an utter waste of energy, money, and time to doggedly keep the appointment simply because I had booked it.

That said, I am eager to keep going with this part of the programme, it feels like getting down to the nitty gritty.

Preparation & Setting Up …

As soon as I received the bill from my active stabilisation session (1) I also received the login details for my next zoom appointment. As I have said before, it really does feel very efficient and much better catered for someone with severe ME than I’ve experienced anywhere else before. However, last time I didn’t receive any write up notes and I’ve no idea if this was part of the plan or that I’ve missed them again. Once thing I can say is I do not like the egress system that YFC and probably all of the NHS use for secure emails as it doesn’t allow for sickness and an inconsistency in health and reliability. Frustratingly, emails simply evaporate after a very short period and so I loose everything.

Although, YFC_J said ask, anytime … I feel so incompetent that I’ve just left it and not asked. That said though, if I receive a write up from this session then I will ask for a copy of the previous session to be sent to me.

Really really frustratingly, on the day of the appointment my internet didn’t work. I emailed YFC_J to ask him to ring my landline but he rang the mobile instead, which went straight to answer phone because my Cumbrian signal is rubbish. So, I rang him back myself from my mobile.

What’s New …

Since my last session with YFC_J I have been extra unwell. Having PEM from just breathing. I am so poorly right now and I have no idea how I will ever recover to any kind of level of ‘doing’. I feel as though I was unwell enough prior to this episode but now I have no idea how I will get back from this.

I want to cry all the time. The pain is unbearable. I just want to heard, loved and cared for.

I’m also struggling with neuropathic pain, which is causing me distress and hyper vigilance.

What’s Important …

As poorly as I am, I am still feeling extremely hopeful and rather excited to just keep doing this part of the programme. To actually stop and listen to my body will be novel for me. But is something I really want to try to do. I feel it is an act of love, kindness, compassion and empathy toward myself.

How / What Have I Been Doing Since My Last Session …

This section is new and I haven’t really got a lot to say about my last session application other than I did do it.

I implemented many breathing sessions and often shouted to myself ‘come on girl … can’t you be easy … be easier’, which I now realise was not how it should have been done. And so, next time I will sprinkle in some kindness, compassion and encouragement to myself.

STOP with the bullying yourself to do what you’re not able …

SET UP a new and different chemical environment in your poorly body …

The Active Stabilisation Session (2) …

The session was incredibly interesting and we touched on personality traits that no longer serve me.

I have plenty of them …

And so, building on the last session I will,

• • be easy easy easy on myself (even easier than before) …
  • I will continue with the breathing and conscious relaxing of my body both before and after I ‘do’ anything …
  • I will do my ‘frozen shoulder’ stretches but only 1 stretch once a day not all of them (easy does it) …

And, instead of being harsh, strict, and bullying towards myself …

• • I will treat myself with kindness …
  • I will treat myself with compassion …
  • I will be encouraging towards myself …
  • I will patient with myself …
  • I will be fully accepting of myself …
  • I will be my own ‘mother’ or my own ‘champion’ …

I will ‘be’ like YFC_J is to me towards myself …

After The Active Stabilisation Session …

I feel very hopeful about the changes I need to make.

My programme plan is: (this is devised by me for me because without it I will keep reverting back to the old automatic me) …

• • to start my day much more kindly …
  • to continue like this throughout the day …
  • remember to be kind to myself …
  • and to encourage myself …
  • and to ‘be easy’ with everything (this means really absolutely everything) …

The Here & Now …

I feel very poorly but determined to write up my notes ASAP in order to not forget anything. I have also added a new section to the template that I use to document and to write up my sessions, which I can use to document, and reflect on, how I am doing with the things I’ve taken from the previous session. (It will help you see how I’m doing and it will also be useful for me as well for when we, me and YFC_J, checkin at the start of each session.)

The Day After …

I’m afraid I felt utterly rubbish the morning after and so fell right back into my automatic ‘bullying’ kind of ways in order to ‘do’ the day.

tomorrow has to be different …

Plus, I have added a new section to my template page for writing up the session in order to document the application of the previous session into my life.

The day after was even worse. I ended up with a bad bad migraine. So I supported myself with acceptance and kindness.

What Next …

I have over six weeks to my next appointment and to aim to implement what we discussed, which might be just about enough time.

I will document as much information as I can in the next blog post in ‘my healing journey’. Please be aware that any information I share will always follow data protection guidelines and will never be enough for you to substitute it for your own programme

Can You Help With Costs …

Please go to my ‘fund my healing journey …’ page to donate.

 fragmented.ME xXx