the essay : what is missing ……

The Essay : w h a t  i s  m i s s i n g  . . .

. . . uncovering ME . . .
. . .  what is missing  . . .

The Essay : what is missing …

I would love to say that nothing is missing from my life. I truly would.

However, I cannot …

I have to be very real about things … this is because in reality I am missing what I feel is the most important and worse thing ever that could be missing …

I am missing my … h e a l t h …

Yes, I am missing health and this missing is not just in a small, or a singular, way. So to be clear, I do not have something that targets just one part, organ or limb, of my body. I have something that impacts my whole body system and means I spend my life not living, but trying to stay alive.

I literally spend each day barely alive.

I am breathing, so I am alive, but I am unable to live, or maybe I am almost dead.

Whichever way we look at it, I breathe, so yes I am alive, but I am unable to do anything more than breathe and so I am not living.

Every single thing I do, like get up to use the bathroom or maybe attempting to brush my hair, pushes me beyond my health / energy capabilities and leaves me with post exertional malaise, which means I am sicker the next day.

Right now, in 2021, I am the sickest I have ever been and I wonder when the time might come that I won’t be able to make it to the bathroom.

This is a most devastating way to be.

I see the same four walls every single day unless I push myself in order to have a wander around the house or to go outside for a small walk around the garden. I cannot sit out in the sun, as it makes me too poorly, some days having the blinds open makes the house to bright for me to cope with.

I have been at this level of sickness for almost five years now and I have no idea if I am going to return to my previous levels of illness. I pray I will because I am also not sure if I can, or want to, carry on living this way.

I really do want to make these essays and writings much longer but I’m finding that the week creeps up on me and I’ve missed so many days due to illness that I’m at my deadline.

… the end …

Please feel free to contact me to share your outcomes or with any questions you may have.

 fragmented.ME xXx