uncovering ME : what is missing …

I have started a 52 week course with Daily OM called A Year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self and I hope you will join me by reading the posts that are born from this course.

They can be found under the mind * body * soul category as a subcategory entitled ‘uncovering ME …’.

I have wanted to write my own story for such a long time and I have never done it. The reason for this I am sure will be discovered and discussed through the 52 posts to follow.

So please join me …

. . . uncovering ME . . .
. . .  what is missing  . . .

introduction …

I will be using this space to free write and post my unedited thoughts, words, and scribbles. So, I am sure there may be errors that appear in the text. I do not need you to tell me about these errors as this will all be part of the process and I hope you can look past this.

what is missing …

Have you ever felt like something is missing from your life? Chances are at some point you’ve felt that a small bit (or maybe a large chunk) of “something” seems to be missing. We’re going to be exploring a couple of different directions this week, so please choose what speaks to you the most right now and go for it!.

Questions/Prompts to Guide Your Writing:

what is it that you feel is missing from your life right now…

list as many or as few items as you like …

• • health …
  • a mother or mother figure …
  • unconditional love and acceptance …

is there something that you had in the past that you wish you still had …

I sincerely wish I had health …

I wish this more than words can express.

I also wish that I had still have some children or that my grandchildren were closer or even that I was well enough to travel to see them. I really felt in the zone being a mum and having children. If I was well I could be a wonderful nana. Instead I am known as nana faraway …

do you feel like you are simply destined not to have some of the things you may want out of life …

where did this belief come from …

It is very hard not to feel that way when you are always always sick. Being chronically sick does mean you cannot have what you want in life.

This belief came from actual experience …

is there a time in your past that you ‘realized’ it just might not be in the cards …

As I got older and sicker and sicker instead of getting better I realised that maybe this was going to be my actual lot in life …

can you think of anyone you know that has the thing that is missing from your life …

what did he or she do differently than what you’re doing right now …

Yes almost everyone I know is healthy.

They didn’t get ME/CFS and try to carry on when they were very sick. They, everyone I know, just stops goes to bed and recovers. I am always always ill and so no matter how much I rest I simply do not seem too recover.

why do you think this thing is missing? (lack of time, finances, energy, etc.) …

try to find as many “reasons” as you can …

Lack of support.

Lack of true acceptance of what I say is my experience.

Too many tick lists that everyone thinks are mine or chooses to abdicate to me.

I have always had to just carry on.

can you think of one small step you could take toward finding/getting this thing that is missing …

listen to the very small inner whispers of my higher self …

do you feel connected to the world and people around you …

if not, why do you think that might be …

I only feel connected to other people with ME … simply because well people just don’t get it and those with ME do …

you never can get ME until you get ME …

can you think of a time when you felt more connected …

describe that time …

I think I felt connected when I could really take my part in my life. When I was able to pull my weight in the home as well as working outside of the home.

Just being able to actually be who I am …

do you think the values that were taught to you as a child are the same values you hold today …

why or why not …

Absolutely not … because I was taught that I ought to be a carer and no one cared for me and so I’m very much an island … alone … and that is not normal or right.

I have definitely installed an entirely different value set into my children. However, I may have gone a little too far the opposite way.

list as many of your values as you can think of (for example, kindness, honesty, freedom, wisdom, etc. …

hint: do a quick “values list” search on the internet if you’d like some inspiration) …

• • empathy …
  • kindness …
  • gentleness …
  • acceptance …
  • balance …
  • authenticity …
  • non judgment …
  • fairness …
  • freedom …
  • autonomy …
  • independence …
  • intelligence …

do you feel like you’re traveling down the “right” path …

if not, what is your “right” path …

I feel like a very lost soul. This is not the path I want for me. However, I do wonder if it is the right path, the one where I can and will come out the other end a better version of myself.

This could just be mumbo jumbo that I console myself with because my life is no life. I am on the cusp of death everyday. I do not live but I am waiting to die.

I am not in the land of the living. Yet, I am also not dead.

have you ever considered that the thing that might be missing is you …

Maybe … but as a very deep and reflective person I know that all that is missing is health …

do you spend time exploring inward instead of letting the world pull you outside of yourself …

I really do not have a choice … I only have me and my four walls …

… without health, life is not life; …
… it is only a state of languor …
… and suffering-an image of death …
… François Rabelais …

in summary & in conclusion …

You can have many things missing and you could, with the right circumstances, pull yourself up, out, or even through things.

Yet, if health is missing and there are no treatments let alone a cure, or even a biochemical understanding of the illness, you simply cannot do a single thing about your life or the things missing. You must live inside yourself because if living outside yourself or expending anything in terms of energy leaves you sicker and closer to death then your only survival technique is to go within and live whatever you can that way.

Having ME/CFS is like being on the edge of death … it is like a living death …

---

The Essay : what is missing …

I would love to say that nothing is missing from my life. I truly would.

However, I cannot …

I have to be very real about things … this is because in reality I am missing what I feel is the most important and worse thing ever that could be missing …

I am missing my … h e a l t h …

Yes, I am missing health and this missing is not just in a small, or a singular, way. So to be clear, I do not have something that targets just one part, organ or limb, of my body. I have something that impacts my whole body system and means I spend my life not living, but trying to stay alive.

I literally spend each day barely alive.

I am breathing, so I am alive, but I am unable to live, or maybe I am almost dead.

Whichever way we look at it, I breathe, so yes I am alive, but I am unable to do anything more than breathe and so I am not living.

Every single thing I do, like get up to use the bathroom or maybe attempting to brush my hair, pushes me beyond my health / energy capabilities and leaves me with post exertional malaise, which means I am sicker the next day.

Right now, in 2021, I am the sickest I have ever been and I wonder when the time might come that I won’t be able to make it to the bathroom.

This is a most devastating way to be.

I see the same four walls every single day unless I push myself in order to have a wander around the house or to go outside for a small walk around the garden. I cannot sit out in the sun, as it makes me too poorly, some days having the blinds open makes the house to bright for me to cope with.

I have been at this level of sickness for almost five years now and I have no idea if I am going to return to my previous levels of illness. I pray I will because I am also not sure if I can, or want to, carry on living this way.

I really do want to make these essays and writings much longer but I’m finding that the week creeps up on me and I’ve missed so many days due to illness that I’m at my deadline.

… the end …

Please feel free to contact me to share your outcomes or with any questions you may have.

 fragmented.ME xXx