uncovering ME : roadblocks …

I have started a 52 week course with Daily OM called A Year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self and I hope you will join me by reading the posts that are born from this course.

They can be found under the mind * body * soul category as a subcategory entitled ‘uncovering ME …’.

I have wanted to write my own story for such a long time and I have never done it. The reason for this I am sure will be discovered and discussed through the 52 posts to follow.

So please join me …

. . . uncovering ME . . .
. . .  roadblocks  . . .

introduction …

I will be using this space to free write and post my unedited thoughts, words, and scribbles. So, I am sure there may be errors that appear in the text. I do not need you to tell me about these errors as this will all be part of the process and I hope you can look past this.

roadblocks …

The aim for this week’s essay is to explore what obstacles are standing in your way (past, future, and present). Maybe they are obstacles in the way of getting started with this course, or larger obstacles stopping you from reaching the heights you dream of for yourself. Let’s mine those experiences for insights and stories.

Questions/Prompts to Guide Your Writing:

what is standing in your way right now …

Of course health is the biggest block for me right now. I never know how I will feel from one minute to the next and so to commit to writing a complete book feels extremely overwhelming.

I have no confidence in my writing skills and in my ability to organise a book.

Finally, I feel that I have to get it just right from the get go and so I never make a start because it can never be just right from the start or even at the end I expect. I am sure I would always be tweaking and finding better ways of saying, writing stuff. It really has to be an organic process, and with such a fragmented life I cannot imagine what the end result would be like.

what would happen if you overcame the obstacle …

If I could overcome the illness it would be a miracle. But I would like to share with you my mind today. Today I went down the rabbit hole regarding lockdown being delayed by four weeks and imagining how I might react or what I might do if someone were to tell me that in four weeks time I would be well. I would be free of this horrible illness and all its constraints. This rabbit hole and my excitement and eagerness for this to be true made me well aware of how much being so poorly every day impacts my ability to make a start on things. How can I accept that it maybe months in between each session of writing and so to hold that writing flow is impossible.

My confidence is also impacted by the illness and how fragmented it makes my life and my ability to do.

Finally, the aspect of wanting perfection in my work is also linked to the bloody illness too. Because, if I get it right the first time then I don’t have to do it again and I don’t have to remember where I was up to if I realise I’ve got it wrong a few days afterwards.

more importantly, what would happen if you didn’t (think …) …

I am afraid when it comes to illness, it really doesn’t matter how you think. I believe you are almost always going to be disappointed.

There are days when I go to bed and I am 100% sure I will wake with a migraine, but I don’t.

And then other days I go to bed feeling okay, not even thinking about migraine, and wham I wake up with the worst migraine ever.

And so it really isn’t that predictable or reliable for me to be able to say what if I didn’t think blah blah blah … because my thoughts don’t impact my experience as much as I wish they did!

The only thing I can say is, what if I didn’t expect perfection and what if I accepted that I might only write once a month. Because in reality, writing is writing and when you add ’once a month’ together that would be 12 times a year.

Additionally, what if I said to myself you don’t need to have a plan or a pattern you can just write just simply write and let it all out because that’s what I do on my website and I find that quite acceptable. No flow needed really, just pick a subject and write and if you don’t finish it and forget your flow just read it and find your new flow.

can you reframe the most pressing current obstacle as simply a to-do list …

I’m not really sure how to reframe illness, especially as a to do list, except if this was a normal illness what I could say is I will write when I am well and I won’t write when I am poorly. However, ME isn’t like that or should I say at the level of severe it isn’t like that there are no good days just better days.

I’m not really sure how to refrain illness except if this was a normal illness what I could say is I will write when I am well and I won’t write when I am poorly. However, ME isn’t like that or should I say at the level of severe it isn’t like that, there are no good days just better days.

And so turning them into a to do list, I really don’t think that would work … I actually don’t know how to …

in other words, in order to overcome this, what do you need to learn …

I think the answer to this is that possibly I need to learn, and accept, that I am severely poorly and that anything I do is an achievement. I could also acknowledge and accept that my life is that fragmented right now, due to the severity of the illness, that possibly writing a book isn’t actually the right thing for now. And maybe I need to reframe the fact that I can write on my website as being enough, for now.

what tasks do you need to perform …

I don’t really understand this question. I’m not quite sure what it’s asking me. Is it maybe the tasks I need to do in order to achieve the goal of a book or writings? I guess it is …

If so, I think I’ve got it quite okay and I just need to carry on as I am. Writing my blog posts as I do because it works for me, to continue to let it all spill out and maybe forget, or shelve, the idea of writing a book. Just for now.

who do you need to convince …

Myself …

have you ever used an “obstacle” as an excuse not to get started …

Simple answer … NO NEVER!

I can always get started I just cannot continue. My health is so unpredictable that everything is fragmented.

Right now I have five books on the go. All started with the same excitement and vigour. However, they all come to an abrupt stop.

Probably a migraine stop … or even a severe ME relapse …

And then I cannot find the flow again and instead of trying to pick up the flow because it all feels fragmented, instead I start a new idea, a new book title.

did you regret it …

I do regret not being able to continue things. However, I am very strong and determined and so getting started isn’t a problem it’s being consistent that is the problem.

are obstacles really just fears holding you back …

Absolutely not!

My obstacles are nothing to do with fears. My obstacles are genuine severe illness and an inability to work through and function when I feel that poorly.

what is the longest-running obstacle in your life …

Clearly, illness …

what steps have you used to make progress toward overcoming it …

Well, I’ve spent the last 30 years trying to work with illness, pushing through, carrying on, not pushing through, giving up, and I’m afraid none of them work. I really just have to listen to my body and do what I can, when I can.

I have to work with the illness …

I actually think, as I analyse this now, for me to actually want to write a book when I am this poorly every single day may be beyond me.

Yes, fragmented.ME, even if blah blah blah could do it, it doesn’t mean that I can.

how far have you come with it …

I think today I’ve made huge leaps. I don’t think it’s the right time to be writing a book.

But, my blog can continue and the writing style may hopefully improve due to taking this course.

what do you wish would happen …

I wish that a test, treatments, and a cure, for my illness would come about, so that I could get on and live my life. I feel like I don’t have much time left and so this now is becoming more urgent.

how would that be possible …

More money for good quality research …

what is the biggest obstacle you faced in your past …

ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, migraine, pain.

Phobias and OCD.

The breakup of my first real love relationship.

did you overcome it … 

The illnesses, NO!

The phobias, OCD, and heartbreak … YES! … all of them …

if so, how …

I had psychological help for the phobias and OCD and eventually I learned skills to cope and get through them.

The heartbreak, it’s just life … and now I am married to a wonderful man who really is my forever love.

if not, why …

This is illness is something else … it really is … you really have to ‘know’ it to know what I mean with these words.

… without health, life is not life; …
… it is only a state of languor …
… and suffering-an image of death …
… François Rabelais …

in summary & in conclusion …

Work with what you have got …

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The Essay : roadblocks …

All my life I’ve been determined.

As a young child, determined to stay up late and not miss out on anything.

As a teenager, determined to not be like my mother, determined to get away from her, as far away as possible. And I did.

As soon as possible I left England, for France, and although it wasn’t a bed of roses it was the best thing and the best time of my life. However, it ended in tragedy with my very young and innocent seventeen year old self being raped by someone who was meant to help me (this is another story to tell).

Having this happen to me kind of stopped me in my tracks and meant that I was very soon back in the UK, as alone as I had always been, as alone as if I was still in France far far away from my family, especially my mother. The mother I really now needed.

Along with the incident taking my innocence, the incident together with my return to England eroded my trust, dampened my fire and impacted my soul from that point on.

I would say that although having the relationship I had with my mother could have been one of my roadblocks, it wasn’t. Yet this was. This was my first roadblock that forever changed me. Making me work with myself to deal with it as best I could.

Back in England, unbeknown to myself at the time, I set out on a course of self destruction. I was a damaged young girl looking for her people and her place. The roadblock had set in motion a way of being that would continue throughout my life; an acceptance of poor treatment and an avoidance of reality.

As I write this I have to ponder. Can such a damaged way of being attract healthy and good. I think not and so to cut a long story, of six years, short I became pregnant and for my own and my baby’s safety I chose to be a single parent.

With experience, hindsight and insight, I now realise that all I had done was escape one abusive relationship, to a single incident of abuse, to another abuser.

Becoming, or choosing to be, a single parent was the beginning of uncovering me. Finding who I really was. Working out my strengths and weaknesses. It was the most difficult, yet most enlightening, journey so far and it lasted ten years. Me and my boy_1 worked with and through it. I was becoming determined again, a determined enlightened young woman who was finally finding herself and working all the roadblocks that came our way.

Until I met someone and started another chapter of negotiations as we, my now husband, endeavoured to blend two families (this too has to be another story).

I guess this is where I learned the most about roadblocks and how I could move through them, over them, or even around them, but nothing would stop me.

And then about five years ago, when in my early 50s, the illness I had suffered with and worked around since aged 24, became severe again and has stayed severe since. It had been severe once before for about 18 months, but that time I did eventually return back to moderate. However, this present relapse into severe looks like it’s here to stay, for now anyway.

I keep saying that, for now, don’t I? I guess still have hope that this roadblock will remove itself or that I will somehow manage to tackle my way through, over, or around, it.

This is the illness that is the roadblock I feel that I simply cannot find my way to go through, go over, or go round. No matter how much determination, money, effort or love I throw at it, I simply cannot overcome it.

This roadblock feels like it’s here to stay …

I guess it might be and now I have to work out how to negotiate it. I think now is the time to tackle this roadblock … and I guess in some small way I have already started. I made a start the day I decided to reopen my blog and to advocate and journal about this awful awful illness, the roadblock of all roadblocks … and I have continued by keeping the blog going and now starting the writing course despite getting sicker by the day.

… the end …

Please feel free to contact me to share your outcomes or with any questions you may have.

 fragmented.ME xXx