reflections & ramblings : 28.03.2021

reflections & ramblings : 28.03.2021

The Trouble With YOU …

This post is borne out of someone, very close to me, actually screaming this accusation in anger at me … [the trouble with YOU] … is YOU don’t do anything …

… the trouble with YOU

is YOU don’t do anything …

the trouble with that …

The trouble with that is, although I don’t think, or want to believe, that they meant it, it was screamed at me in a spitting rage, and it actually really hurt me, more than anything … so much so that I can’t forget it and, sadly, it’s not the first time it’s been thrown about neither.

Just writing and then re-reading it brings stinging tears to my eyes. It hurt so much more than anything. And over a month later it still hurts. L O T S …

I T   H U R T S   L O T S   . . .

Break It Apart …

In my typical style I think to get to grips with this, I need to break it apart.

I think, to understand which bit(s) hurt me and maybe understand why, I will have to highlight the painful bits and dissect them.

the TROUBLE with YOU is YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING …

It must have really hurt me because I need to take a break right now …

b r e a t h e  . . .

the trouble with you …

First off, it’s very personal. The accusing way YOU was emphasised and thrown at me. And secondly, the word trouble implied I was a problem or me not doing anything was a problem. Whichever, it was definitely a very personal attack.

let me explain …

Being severely unwell on a daily basis and needing so much support, I already feel like a problem. So to hear someone that you rely on, for so much, angrily claim that you are a problem is simply crushing.

YES I felt crushed.

is you don’t do anything …

First off, it’s that accusing YOU again … Followed by the problem, which is I don’t do anything.

let me explain …

Again, being severely unwell every single day with a mitochondrial illness means I don’t have energy to do things. Using energy, that I don’t really have, actually pushes me to death. So, although it’s true that I don’t do anything. It’s not because I don’t want to do anything. It’s because I cannot do anything. I actually feel like I’m dying if I do anything.

It’s pretty much like asking a reliant baby to get their own food. They simply can’t do it.

I have to live with that … every single day …

It Hurts …

Boy, it hurts to have had this thrown at me.

It hurts, even more, to have to address it.

be sure to taste your words before you spit them out …

I am so destroyed over being this sick …

not being able to D O  A N Y T H I N G  …

not being able to G O  A N Y W H E R E …

I can’t even take care of myself on a personal level like I’d like to. This is so much more than you don’t do anything …

I can’t find the words to express how I feel or how this made me feel. That said,  …

I really have no choice but to forgive … yet, I’m struggling to forget …

and so with each flashback I will imagine myself erasing the words and the feelings …

Conclusions …

be careful with your words

once they are said

they can only be forgiven

not forgotten

… you cannot take back those words you let out …

… a person’s tongue can give you a taste of their heart …

Oops, well maybe they did mean. Maybe it’s what is in their heart. It isn’t the first time it’s been yelled at me.

I will forgive, for my own sake and theirs. But it’s another thing that will control me into silence …

I will keep as quite as I can in order to not stimulate their, ever lingering, volcanic anger again.

I will love and accept myself more and more. I am equal to a helpless child in severe pain and close to death. I deserve compassion, at the very least my own compassion.

And, if I ever recover to mild or much less severe then I will decide my next step at that time …

 fragmented.ME xXx